Chirp Chirp

Yesterday Miles took a rare afternoon nap. He woke up crying and when I picked him up, he snuggled into me and went right back to sleep so I sat with him in the rocking chair. I was staring down at him wondering how long he would let me sit and rock with him and trying to memorize how sweet he looks in my arms when he reached his arm up and signed for me to sing twinkle twinkle little star. At first I thought he was sort of stretching in his sleep since his eyes were still closed but when I didn’t start singing, he pulled on my sweater and then signed it again. I started singing and he smiled with his eyes closed and I thought my heart would explode. We sat in the rocker for about 20 min and even though his eyes were closed the whole time and he seemed asleep, he repeatedly signed for twinkle twinkle while snuggling into me. It was sweet and perfect and I hope to remember it for the rest of my life.

I think the terrible two’s hit early. He is in full on tantrum mode. We had 5 hrs of it today. I would get him calmed down and then he would start all over again. He throws himself to the floor, rolls around and begs to be picked up only to scream in my ear and try to throw himself out of my arms. I am on my second glass of wine and I might go back for a second helping of ice cream. I’m not sure how I am going to get through tomorrow but on Friday my mom is coming out to visit and he is visiting his other grandma, too, so I have some time to myself. I love that kid but sometimes I’m not sure there is enough patience in the world to be around him.

I switch my shift/commitment this weekend and every time I remember, I get giddy and sometimes I jump a little with excitement. I can’t wait to have weekend time with my two favorite guys even if it means working night shift again. The lack of family time, or of any time where there were two people taking care of Miles, really stresses me out and makes me sad. I also get to do things like see my sister and nieces and nephew since I will have some weekend days off. Maybe even start up the things we stopped like brunches and hikes and trips to the beach once I started working every weekend. Lack of sleep is so worth all that.

This little man is going to be one on Sunday and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how much he has changed. It seems like in the time it took me to catch my breath, he went from an itty bitty baby who didn’t do much to this amazing little person who has his own thoughts and opinions. Motherhood has been both better and worse than I expected but watching him learn and develop and change is the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed. He lights up my life and I feel incredibly lucky to be his mom.

Yesterday, Miles screamed for 30 min after I left for work. Complete nuclear meltdown and leaving the house with him so upset, and then finding out how long it lasted, did not make me happy. Today, it looks like he is going to be asleep when I leave and now I’m a little sad that I don’t get to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye. Apparently, mornings just can’t win with me. Maybe I should just start sleeping through them and wake up sometime in the afternoon like I did in college.

Miles has a 101.7 fever but it hasn’t been the worst thing because for the first time last night, he let me rock him to sleep. We have a glider that is hardly ever used because he usually hates being rocked and he hasn’t fallen asleep in my arms since he was a newborn. I’ve missed it so much. Even the other times he’s been sick, he hasn’t wanted to sleep or be still while being held. If I picked him up, it meant it was play time. Last night and this morning, though, all he wants to do is be held and cuddled. I plan on taking full advantage of it while I can because it could be months before he decides to let me hold him for as long as I want again.

I love that Miles is exploring things on his own, that he can crawl and pull himself up and walk while holding onto things. However, I don’t like that there have been multiple times where he has fallen and I haven’t been around to catch him. I try to give him space so he can do his own thing and work on playing in areas where I’m not but it means that every once in awhile, he falls and I am too far away to stop it. Hearing my baby cry because he hit his head is the worst and it makes me want to stay a step behind him all day every day.

So other than the fact that I’m going out of town for a funeral, the other part that I am having a hard time dealing with is that I am going out of town and Miles is staying here. It didn’t make sense to make him deal with flights and airports and my crazy family but the idea of not seeing him for 3 days, just 3 days, is making me so sad. He’s going to be fine and happy with his grandma on Friday and with his dad over the weekend. I have nothing to worry about as far as that goes, I just haven’t been away for more than a day and even that didn’t go too well. We left in the morning and by the afternoon, I missed him like crazy. By the time we had dinner and I knew he was in bed, I was near tears. At least if I am a mess up there, everyone will assume it’s because of grandma and not because I don’t know how to be away from my baby.

I didn’t plan on not posting the march pictures but so far I can’t bring myself to do it. I took a picture of my outfit today and couldn’t help but think that I was being ridiculous. I’m packing for my grandma’s funeral, posting a picture of something I wore is the last thing I want to do. Instead, here is something that makes me happy. I can’t help but thank my lucky stars when I see this sweet face. No matter how much this week has sucked, he makes me smile and laugh and reminds me that we are incredibly lucky to live the life we do. Being his mom continues to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

GPOYW: these moments where he snuggles and it’s obvious that he doesn’t just need me but that he loves me? Best moments of my life.